Overthinking #9: Accepting love
Don't mind me, I've been reading some Alain De Botton...
I’ve been reading Alain De Botton’s Essays in Love this week, and it’s given me quite a lot of food for thought. From debates surrounding love at first sight, to the probability of meeting a person that could be perfect for you - there is a lot in the book which is insightful, funny, and really really relatable.
One such argument which I’ve been particularly overthinking is his theory about accepting love when love comes to you. His theory is that when you’re in a situation of supposed unrequited love, you believe the other person to be perfect. They have whatever you lack, and you think you’re going to find it in the other person. You think they’re perfect and can do no wrong. It becomes obsessive. It takes over your life to the point you cannot think of anything else other than your complete infatuation over this person who is probably normal and painfully mediocre.
Until.
The person starts to like you back.
(Disclaimer: this theory involves a lot of self-hatred and self-deprecation. I’m not fishing for compliments or being humble when I say the following, I’m just someone with low self-esteem and a tendency to lack confidence.)
So, De Botton supposes that the obsession, lust, love or fancy wears off once the other person starts to like you back because how could someone so utterly perfect in your eyes be obsessed, lust after, love or fancy someone as grotesque as yourself?
It’s an age-old tradition that people want what they can’t have. Or want the person who doesn’t take any interest in them. And I think this whole thing is why. Apparently it’s all Marxist, when the thing you’re interested in becomes interested in something you look at with such disgust then the thing becomes disgusting. Still following?
“Perhaps it was not love we wanted after all, perhaps it was simply someone in whom to believe, but how can we continue to believe in the beloved now that they believe in us?”
(I was on the tube when I was reading this, and I couldn’t quite believe this revelation about my human psyche.)
Therefore - when it comes to accepting love, I kind of have a hard time. When someone shows every sign of liking me, taking me on dates, spending their spare time with me, sharing their darkest thoughts with me, and making me coffee in the morning, I just don’t quite believe it. It grows tiresome for every single person involved. I get in my own head, unable to shake the feeling that this person could up and leave at any minute and decide that whatever they were feeling was fake and forget about me forever.
And the irony of the whole situation is, my turning into an absolute insane person in this process, pushes them away. I wonder how many flings or relationships or even one night stands I wouldn’t have totally fucked up if I just didn’t get into my own head about whether they loved me or loved me not? A lot, probably.
But the thing is, unrequited love is and (feels like) always will be a recurring motif in my life. I am always chasing someone who doesn’t want to be chased by me. Ever since I was seven years old, I’ve always not just had an easy ride in love. The flipside also occurs, someone always chasing me when I don’t want to be chased by them. And that just makes me feel bad. Even in the moments of stillness the neuroses seep in. It’s exhausting.
I definitely need to get out of my own head, that much is obvious. But maybe my not accepting the love when it’s in front of me is also because I have so much love to give. Maybe I don’t believe or accept that someone has that much love to give me. Little old me doesn’t deserve the love I give out. My love is special, but heaven forbid I deserve special too.
De Botton concludes this chapter called ‘Marxism’ with the notion that when love is reciprocated, then the resolve is dependent on the levels of self-love and self-hatred.
“If self-hatred gains the upper hand, then the one who has received love will declare that the beloved [on some excuse or other] is not good enough for them [not good enough by virtue of association with no-goods].
But if self-love gains the upper hand, both partners may accept that seeing their love reciprocated is not proof of how low the beloved is, but of how lovable they have themselves turned out to be.”
With my preference towards self-hatred, it’s going to be hard for me to think that I’ll ever be lovable, or accept love that doesn’t make me feel awful. So just stop for a second. If you don’t stop to love some parts of yourself then love will never be what you want it to be.