Overthinking #13: To all the boys I've ghosted before
Did you die? Did you literally die?
The first time I heard of the term “ghosting” was when my older sister started dating back in 2019.
At that time, it felt like it was a semi-harsh thing to do but it was just part and parcel of the whole “modern dating” thing. It was something men and women turned to as an easy way out of the situation they’d gotten themselves in.
Ghosting, like its name suggests, is when one party dips out of the situation by just not saying anything at all. Not even a text, just stop replying. The most brutal times this has happened that I’ve heard of is when people are six months into a relationship and then one day one of them just mysteriously vanishes into mid air. To quote Billie Eilish: did you die? Did you literally die?
As harsh as it is, it sometimes feels like the only way out of a situation. For instance, let me give you an example from when a friend did it last. She had been talking to this guy from Hinge for a couple of weeks and they seemed to get on over text, but when they met in person he had a completely different vibe. Nice enough, but completely not what she was expecting. They had a nice date but ultimately she knew it wasn’t going to work out. He texted her soon after the date was over to say he had a nice time but she just decided to leave it and not reply. She didn’t want to make a dramatic scene and say “sorry this isn’t going to work out” but ultimately knew that not replying would give him the same message.
(Yes, I was the “friend” mentioned there. Whoops.)
It’s rude, I know. It’s immature, I know. But sometimes when it’s only been one date and no fluids have been exchanged it can just be the most effective way out.
And okay, I’ve done it five dates deep as well, but I also have an excuse for that one too. Obviously.
And I really don’t condone ghosting at all, it is so easy to just send a “I don’t think this is going to work out” message, and be done with it. Especially if nothing spectacularly wrong went down on the date, especially if you kissed, and double especially if you slept together.
I’m looking at you, guy I went on a date with and never spoke to again.
Recently, I’ve had a spate of men ghosting me that I’ve never really experienced before. Boo hoo for me, I know.
Firstly, it happened after I started talking to this guy from hinge, we were meant to go on a date, and the date came along and he never messaged me. He had the audacity to watch all of my Instagram stories. One day, though, he decided his death was over and resurrected himself in my DMs. I first took the ghosting here as an L, but now he’s come back, I realised it only made me want him more, and in true ghost fashion, continues to breadcrumb me until I forget about him and then, of course, he pops up again. Message to him and him alone: Please. I just want to go for a drink with you.
Secondly, I was talking to this man every minute of the day for a week before meeting up and having a very successful and, let’s say, fun date. The next day he was still replying every minute until he wasn’t, and then he told me he had had a “family emergency” and stopped replying. I’m not saying the “family emergency” was fake, but if it was and was a ploy to get out dating me again - psychopath. Use your words.
Thirdly, and this one bruised the ego a bit, the man I’d been “casually seeing” for over a year blocked me after he booty called me. I hate him.
Lastly, and I don’t think this one passes off as a ghosting and more of a “we’re both useless situation” but I went on a date with someone I’d met in the pub and we just decided never to organise one ever again despite, I think, both enjoying ourselves. I see him all the time. We always say we’re going to do something. I don’t think we ever will.
So they’re the ones I can think of currently that really got under my skin. It’s terrible. Why do I let this happen?
I don’t think anyone is safe from ghosting, being the ghost or the haunted. But it is the most baffling thing about modern dating. Why can’t we just say on the date “this isn’t going to work” or just shoot off a text instead of leaving the person hanging on? Is it because they want to keep their options open? Was I the problem? Did me spilling the drinks really ick them out that much that the thought of going on a date with me repulses them to their core?
Aforementioned Billie Eilish spoke recently on the Miss Me? Podcast about being ghosted recently and I think that that was when I realised that it probably isn’t anything to do with me and everything to do with them that causes the ghosting. If Billie EIlish, the beautiful talent that she is, can get ghosted then we are all not safe. It’s just the epidemic we live in now, unfortunately.
In previous newsletters I’ve mentioned the lack of emotional maturity coming from men and women in the dating sphere. People aren’t on Hinge to find love or a relationship, they’re simply on it to find someone to fill their time with. Someone they can try and sleep with on dates and ultimately never speak to again. A cultivated one night stand, if you will. The sooner people start to accept the throwaway culture of the modern date, then the sooner the disappointment in another person subsides and makes way for just a little morsel of fun. Fleeting moments in your youth that can be cherished forever.
So: ghost, don’t ghost, send them a message, don’t send them a message but think of it this way: what would you expect from the other person? Because karma is a bitch.